Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me/Breakdown, take me through the night/Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me/Breakdown, it's alright
I've had what's know in the program as a slip.
I haven't had a good week. The holidays are always hard for me (I might have mentioned that before, you think?). Mia has had a cold with a terrible barking cough. I kept her home from preschool because although I am sure that is where she picked up the cold, I didn't think she needed to spread the joy. The cold turned into an ear infection and after a fairly painless trip to her wonderful pediatrician's office, her first antibiotic. However, being cooped up in the house during the winter with a child who although she sounds tubercular, has more energy than Rachel Ray on meth, is not fun. Nerve, last, see: Lisa.
I've floundered over a short story I've been writing for two weeks now. I finally made some progress and either through my own stupidity or my Fred Flintstone desktop Word 97 program, lost all but the first few paragraphs.
I've yelled at my (sick but not incapacitated) child. Threatened to beat the dog to a bloody pulp. Banged many pots and pans. Barked at my poor long-suffering husband. In general, I've been a real bitch.
Last night, my husband put on his coat and said he'd be right back. I figured he was getting something out of the car, moving the trash dumpster thingy which was banging in the wind, or just stepping outside to count to ten so he stopped thinking of how long he would have to serve if he duct taped my mouth shut. He was back a few minutes later and threw a pack of cigarettes at me. A lovely, beautiful, glorious pack of Monarch Lights.
I could have eaten them. A bacon wrapped filet mignon smothered in a red wine demi-glace could not have looked more inviting.
I don't want to start smoking again. I hate myself for doing it. I really have no excuse. I'm not going to start in earnest. I think a lot of the desire to smoke is coming from my overall holiday angst and jangled nerves and being marooned in the house, boredom, not enough outside stimulation and part of it is just my highly-addictive personality.
I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I think it's time to go back on the anti-depressants in earnest. Finer living through some kind of chemicals.
Edited to add: Thank you so much, everyone, for your continued encouragement, both on and off the blog. It helps. It really does.
Oh well--don't beat yourself up over it. Just get back on track--or maybe you could just have...like...5 a day?
I am no help--just a hopeless enabler and wishing I had one of those Monarch Lights--I've never had one before--I should to see what they are like?
Posted by: Judy Miller | December 07, 2007 at 03:11 PM
NO! NO you shouldn't Judy! You and my friend Loretta have been my inspirations and my rocks through this!
The Monacrhs are some sort of off brand generic stuff one step above Basics brand. Not bad. I smoked them so you don't have to!
Posted by: Lisa | December 07, 2007 at 03:40 PM
Lisa, bless your heart.
I know how rough it can be. I did a LOT of deep breathing and things that kept my hands busy.
Posted by: Nadine | December 07, 2007 at 04:01 PM
Well Lisa,
I have been quietly cheering you on but I was holding back my comments, but here is what I have to say about quiting smoking;
The last time I quit was about 13 years ago. I tried the patch and at that time they probably weren't like they are now. Every time I started to fall asleep I would jerk awake as I, in my drift into dreamland, would fall off the porch, step off the curb into the abyss, or get pushed into traffic. It was hell. I can't stand that, and it would happen several times a night. In fact, that last time I quit was 6 months of hell. This is why I know I will never go back. As much as I loved to smoke and as much as I still like to get next to that second hand smoke once in awhile, I don't ever want to go through that again. At 48 I've already lived a year longer that many of my relatives(47 seems to be it). None of them had lung cancer but they all had strokes and heart attacks. It probably helps that I don't drink now because how can you drink a beer and not have a smoke? But anyway, it's sooo hard but please don't give up. Eventually it does get easier,
Peace,
Donna
Posted by: Donna Hitz | December 07, 2007 at 07:51 PM
Hi! I had no idea I had such a delightful lurker. Sure, go ahead and blog roll me. *Warning: I have AWFUL diary trolls who like nothing more than tracing my readers and giving them grief. I apologize in advance.
Wish I could be more useful about quitting tips, but I'm still doing the vile weed and aside from cutting it down to a couple a day when I was pg I never made a serious attempt at quitting. I only smoke when I write or when hanging with other smokers. My family doesn't have to breathe my stink, my office is air-locked off the rest of the house. I figure that's as good as it's gonna get. Good luck climbing back on the wagon. I admire your grit. ~LA
Posted by: LA | December 08, 2007 at 02:50 PM
Tomorrow, you can quit again.
I used the patch. And a lot of hard candy. I'm still trying to lose the weight I gained.
But, it has been over two years smoke-free, and I really don't want to go back.
I'm going to go smack Martin, now.
Posted by: ronni | December 09, 2007 at 09:34 AM
lovey, it takes the average smoker 11 tries to quit...hang in there...
Posted by: nursenicole | December 09, 2007 at 04:54 PM
I hope ronni hit Martin hard enough for all of us :P
Although, honestly, I know it's very hard for those around us, who have to put up with the not so nice attitude quitting brings about.
I've had a couple slips myself since I stopped the Chantix, but I just keep reminding myself of all the reasons I don't want to smoke.
Hang in there :)
Posted by: Have The T-Shirt | December 09, 2007 at 08:29 PM