The Lisa Life

Seven Is A Lucky Number! Really!

Courtesy of Stacy, here is the It Must Be Hump Day So Here Is A Meme:

Seven Things To Do Before I Die

1. Go on a wine cruise through the Mediterranean

2. Live on a tropical beach where the sun shines all the time and we can dock our sailboat

3. Win the Lotto.  I'll even be happy with a little win.

4. Write a book and know it's being read.

5. Have a Martha Stewart like organized house with hired help.

I Can Do

1. Read like a mofoker.  I can eat paperbacks for lunch and regurgitate them for dinner.

2. Drink wine and smoke.  I'm not sure these two things should be on my I Can Do list, but there you are.

3. Tan.  I am an excellent tanner, be it in the sun or artificially.  Once again, I don't know if this should be a claim to fame.

4. Sometimes, I write some funny shit.

5. Be a good listener and a good friend.

Things I Cannot Do

1. Pretend I like cheap wine.

2. Wear dirty underwear.  I'm quite dainty about myself, you know.

3. Be crafty.  Oh, I've been knitting lately, but I'm purely basic.  Who wants a scarf?

4. Suffer intolerance or racism or just general ignorance.

5. Read Harry Potter books

6. Listen to Jessica Simpson music in any way shape or form.

7. Save the world.

What Attracts You To A Partner

1. Intelligence.

2. Humor.

3. Doesn't have to be stunning, but decent looking is good.

4. Well read.

5. Likes to eat well, drink decent wine.

6. Reads a book once in a while.

7. Spartans Fan.

What Do You Say Most Often?

1.  MIA!  NO!

2. GET DOWN FROM THERE, NOW!

3. Don't put that in your mouth.

4. Did you copy that?  Ten four. (Said on the Nextel with humor left over from the CB days, which thankfully I never experienced.)

5. For fuck's sake.

6. For the love of God and the Sweet Baby Jesus, fill in the blank here.

7.  DOGS!  Settle the fuck down!

Celebrity Crushes

Oh this is a hard one.  I am so out of the loop on this.

1. Andy Garcia

2. Ken Walsh, I don't care he married those Barbie porno twins, he's hot.  An asshole, but hot.

3. Robert Smith from the Cure. (SHUT UP.  At the very least, I'd get good eyeliner tips.)

4.  Brittney Murphy.  She's so cute.  Not in a sexual way, but she's cute.

5. Paul Newman.

6. Cuba Gooding Jr. 

7. Uhhh.   Uhhh.  I stretched for the first six.

Seven People Who I Tag To Do This:

1. Sain't.  (You've been tagged twice, get with the program buddy!)

2. Lana.

3. Domestic Princess

4. Ann Arbor Lisa. (You've been tagged twice as well, quit the unpacking and get online, girly girl!)

5. Vintage Lilac.  We just don't hear enough from you.

6. CountryGal.  She is a HOOT.

7. Vero, Ronnie, Veronica.  That should be like an Elvis Costello song.

Because You Know If You Are Italian, You Must Be Mobbed Up

http://gangstaname.com/mafia_name.php

My Mafia name: Fat Alesio

Saturation

Can I get a show of hands here?  Who else is sick to the point of coughing up a lung at one more media thing regarding Jennifer Anniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie and the whole Tom Cruise ( I am so gay)/Katie Holmes thing?

Thank you!  Back to your regularly scheduled blog.

Meme By Lisa

Okay kids, we all know how this works.  Here is your homework assignment for the week-end.

Easy, only five questions.

1. Name a book you always enjoy revisiting and re-reading and why.

2. Cremated, buried or otherwise and why?

3. Best Halloween costume you ever had.

4. Three words you overuse.

5. Dream job.

My answers:

1. The Hannibel Lecter books by Thomas Harris.  I read them long before they were movies.  Although the subject matter is serial murder and Harris used true cases as his guidepost, the prose is lyrical yet wry and I can quote phrases that are just so damn good.  I hope he writes a fourth that sees Hannibel guiding Clarice into serial murder on their love soaked existence.

2. Cremated.  It really oogies me out at the thought of being buried in a box, as if I were some sort of miniature septic tank.  And why take up the land?  I will take up a lot less space as someones Auntie Lisa on a mantle somewhere.

3. Tippi Hendron's character in the Alfred Hitchcock classic, "The Birds."  I had a 60s era suit and went to Jo-Ann Fabrics and bought all these bird thingies and some fake blood and glued the birds on the suit.  I even had a little birdie corpse on the pillbox hat.  It was so cool.  Sadly, about 3 people at the huge party I attended actually "got" what I was doing.  This is yet another reason to go to a liberal arts college, versus a business/engineering type of school.

4. Like.  Asshat.  A phrase, for fuck's sake.

5. Stay at home mom who writes and makes a bit of money for it.

A Rare Work Related Post, Subtitled, Job Searching Hints

I don't generally post about work since I was outted as a blogger on our local radio station.  I post once in a while on generic things and that's okay.  But I have to share this.  It's just too funny not to.

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, I work for an excavation company.

We lost two of our laborers this late last month when they went back to college.  One goes to Lawrence Tech, which is local, so he still works on Tuesdays (his day with no classes) and Saturdays.  The other went to Central, so he's stuck in a dorm up there and we won't see him til  Thanksgiving, although he emails me jokes and reads my blog.  (NOTE: SCARY PART.  He caught me reading my blog one morning in the office while he was emptying the trash and now he's all hooked.  HI JOE!  STEP AWAY FROM THE KEG, OKAY?)

Anyway.  We've run an ad in the paper for general laborers.  Goes something like this: General Laborer for excavation company wanted.  Experience helpful but not necessary.  Apply at (insert address and phone number here.)  Since we are out in BFE, we've given out a lot of directions and have had quite a parade of applicants come in.

We're not Wall Street.  You don't need to wear your best suit.  Heck, we're happy if you show up in shorts that don't look like you picked them out of the hamper and a decent tee-shirt that doesn't advertise Jack Daniels or a Nascar race from 6 years ago. 

Shaving is nice.  So is not wearing a baseball cap (particularly annoying when worn backwards to conceal the pot leaf embroidered on the front).  Brushing your teeth so I don't smell the beer from last night will always get you a smile from me and the pen that works really well to use to fill out the app.  I'll even let you sit at the empty desk instead of standing at the counter.

There is a part on the application that asks if you have ever been bonded.  The wrong answer would be to ask me or my co-worker and friend Michelle, "Well, my mom actually posted the bond, it wasn't me, should I put that down?"

There is another part of the application that states very clearly, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?  If yes, please explain in detail.  Use another sheet if necessary."  Okay,  WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?  Don't write, "I'll tell you."  Don't write, "Assault."  Don't write, "I think so." 

The same goes for your driver record.  Don't even bother to fudge because with two clicks of my mouse, I have all that information staring me in the face on my computer screen, while I recoil in horror.

Some examples?

Convicted of a felony:

"I was convicted of cocaine.  I been clean three years."  Hello, Dolly. How do you get convicted of cocaine?  Is that like a charge?  What exactly did he do with the cocaine?  Of special note, this is the same one who's mom bonded him out.  I run his record, he's been convicted of trafficking and for selling marijuana.  Three times.  And served time. 

"I'll explain."  Okay, so explain why you have no license yet drove here and earnestly tell Boss the Son you drive all the time. (Our insurer will be thrilled to have him in a service truck, no doubt.)  Then explain the fleeing and eluding charge, the reckless endangerment charge (your son was in the car seat in back while you were pretending you were in a Starsky & Hutch episode) and then explain the three domestic violence convictions that you neglected to mention.  Uh huh.  Buh bye.

I'm not a terribly judgmental person.  Really, I'm not.  I'm all about second chances and third chances in a lot of cases.  Let's face it, I wouldn't have such a terrible track record with men if I didn't have a big heart. 

But please, if you are applying for a job, just make the effort of taking  a shower, putting on your nice jeans or shorts and a clean shirt, don't wear a ball cap or get shitfaced the night before and if you have "issues" in your past, be up front and spill it and tell us, you want a chance and you want to work.

Oh, I forgot the best one.  Convicted of a felony, assault.  Yeah, I checked you out buddy, with your blood shot eyes and heavy gold chain link bracelet and your weird resume.  Assault with intent to murder.  That's a whole other story. That goes beyond a stupid bar fight.  That means you messed someone up good.  Looking a little closer, I find out you have no license (although you too drove yourself) and you are fresh out on parole.  Your college classes on your resume were taken while you were incarcerated, as was your "chef" experience.  I can add and subtract based on your time served.  Which you neglected to point out.  HELLO, ten years in the joint. 

I don't like to have to search for these things when I look for someone to hire.  Tell me, and we can go from there based on second chances but bullshitting, well. 

Buh bye.

It's been an interesting week and I've been a total bitch but I'm real tired of job applicants.

Katrina, Part II

Here are some very good blogs regarding Katrina and the real situation versus the chaotic reporting in the mainstream media.  My hats off to these bloggers; they have kept me informed and they are dedicated to telling what is going on.  My thoughts and prayers are with you guys, keep on blogging in the free world. MICHIGAN LOVES YOU.

http://joshbritton.com/

http://neworleans.metblogs.com/

http://www.brendanloy.com

And after some brainstorming with my co-worker Michelle, during which, I might add, we both ended up in tears, we decided to do something concrete.  Sure, it's easy to write a check but I need to feel like I am doing something productive and physical.  Plus, while money is good, there aren't a lot of actual stores down there that are open and functioning.  Not mention, I am always more comfortable donating my time or actual goods than money.

Here in Michigan, we have this wonderful thing called the Returnable Bottle Law.  (Note: That's the not the official name, it's actually the litter reduction act or something).  This law means that all cans and bottles, both glass and plastic, you pay a deposit of a dime on when you buy the product.  When you finish it, you take it back to the store and they give you ten cents for every bottle or can.  This has a downside, as well.  It's a right pain in the ass to stand feeding the bottle return, you get stale pop, beer, etc, all over your car and in the summer if you don't rinse the cans and bottles, you can get ants and you have to actually remember to take the shit back to get your money. 

Unless you are a highly organized type, you tend to get a pile of them stacked up somewhere.  I have three trash receptacles in my kitchen: my trash compactor, a trash can for trash and a trash can for the returnables. It's not unusual to see someone wheeling in an entire grocery cart stacked with empties.

At work, we have a pop machine and a big trash can we throw the empties in.  They stack up until we generally have $80 to $100 worth and we send one of the laborers to Meijer's to redeem them.  We generally use the money for treats, like bagels, or premium coffee or snacks. 

This time, I'm going to ask the boss if we can use the money to assemble some goodie bags for the hurricane victims.  I'll take the bottles back and go to Target, where they have a huge selection of trial size personal hygiene products, and assemble as many dopp kits as I can.  I'm going to kick in my enormous supply of bottles as well.

I'm thinking of shampoo, a washcloth, soap, disposable razor, deodorant, q-tips, hand sanitizer, toothbrush and toothpaste, a comb and travel size tissues.  Stick it all in a Zip Lock bag labeled MEN or WOMEN.  If I have enough money, I'll stick in some of those disposable wipes as well and maybe something tiny and useless but a bright spot, like some hard candy or a pad of paper and a pen or something. 

There are several places around here that are renting U-Hauls and loading them to go down.

I feel like I have to do something and making a plan helps.