Adoption Basics

In keeping with the adoption theme, I'm going to write about adoption basics.  There are a lot of really useful resources online about adoption, but I'd like to give a realistic view of my experience without being all politically correct, as some of the forums can be.

1) I'm Thinking About Adopting.  Now What?

The first step is to complete a homestudy and background check.  Be forewarned, these are pretty invasive.  Although they vary from state to state,the bottom line is that you're going to get asked some really personal questions and pretty much need to provide an autobiography detailing every aspect of your life.  We were very fortunate in that our social worker is a fabulous lady who is also an adoptive mother, in addition to having been a social worker and professor for well over twenty years. I now consider her a friend and I know she reads here once in a while. Hi Phyllis!  You rock! If you have a good social worker, they will help you explore what type of adoption you would like to pursue, domestic or international,and ask you some tough questions about what type of child you are interested in.  Special needs?  Transracial adoption?  What culture are you interested in adopting from?  How will you teach your child about their native culture?  An older waiting child?  The social worker should not only interview you but educate you as well.

2.  How Long Does It Take?

This again varies depending on what type of child you want to adopt.  We didn't want to go international just because there are so many children here in the United States who need families.  Race and sex were not an issue.  We were pretty much open to any child in the States without known physical disabilities.  Knowing that I would have to work and would not be able to be a stay at home mom is the only reason we were hesitant in accepting a child with disabilities.  We considered adopting a waiting child but for the same reason, decided to go with an infant.  Our social worker also educated us about the disruption of the birth order, since my son was ten at the time and most of the waiting children were too close to his age. 

Also, a sad fact is that many many biracial children are hard to place.  Some of this stems from the fact that ten years ago, it wasn't considered desirable to place a brown child with a white family.  Yet the African Americans weren't adopting them in record numbers either.  This has changed.  They are now placed regularly with white families, black families and biracial families.  Still, a lot of people have it stuck in their heads that their child will only be their child if their ethnic background matches.

Good thing Martin and I weren't stuck on that or we'd probably still be waiting for an English/Italian baby.

It took us two years and one failed adoption (a "paper miscarriage" according to our social worker) to adopt Mia. 

3. But It's So Expensive!

Yes, it sure can be.  All told, ours was about $30,000.  It was on the high side because we paid birthmother expenses for a long period of time.  No, our birthmother was not living in the lap of luxury, shopping at Saks for her maternity wear.  She was living in a residential motel when we first matched and we paid for her to move to a rental house.  We paid her rent through the agency, and utilities and a small grocery stipend. On a humorous note, the man who owned the house our birthmother rented was giddy that the agency paid the rent and asked them to make it available to other birthmothers.  He thought it was a great idea since he knew he would be getting his rent on time and had a brother who was adopted.  See, people are nice.  Our agency fee was about $8000, which I included in that $30,000 but that covered all the legal fees, the homestudy visits, the follow ups, etc.  A common fallacy is that the birthmothers do this and make money.  Not true at all.   

A lot of people use the financial aspect to decide not to adopt.  Look at it this way. How much do people pay for infertility issues?  Lots of that money could be channeled into adoption where you know you will end up with a baby.  Also, doing a foster to adopt costs very little.  There are so many options, only limited by creativity.  The dollar amount depends on what you are able to spend and how creative you are willing to be.  I know of people who did fund raisers for trips to adopt internationally.  If there is a will, there is a way and the money shouldn't be a stumbling block.

4.  What About The Adoption Tax Credit?

This is a tax credit.  It's not like the IRS is writing you a check for ten grand.  It carries over from year to year until you use it up.  Michigan also has a $2500 credit, good for one year only.

So that's the first installment.  Please feel free to share your adoption journeys in the comments, let me know what else you are interested in hearing about and if you have something you would like to discuss off the comments, please feel free to email me.

Comments

[vero]

Lisa, I'll do an entry on my experiences with adoption. From the other side. Not only was I adopted, but I also placed a child for adoption.

[vero]

I was adopted. It was a private adoption, arranged by my natural mother, who had 8 other kids at home to look after--four of her own, and four of her husband's from his first marriage. She said that the only thing they had ever agreed on was the necessity for putting me up for adoption. My natural mother interviewed prospective parents herself, with my 4-year-old sister in tow.

My adoptive parents, or "parents," as they always will be, were impressed by her determination and pragmatism. The adoption was finalized in court six monts after I was born, and my natural father died the same day, of a long-standing heart condition. He was 60.

My parents were always very honest with me about my origins, and made sure I knew all they knew about my birth family.

But, their (my) last name began with a "D," and my given name began with a "V," and the combination made me marry the first guy who asked, who had a last name starting with a different letter. We had been married 30 days exactly, when I realized I was pregnant. As I was 18, and so was he, we had some serious growing up to do, and only 9 months to do it in. Neither one of us made it. He said that if I kept the baby, he was gone; my parents said we had made our bed, and it was up to us to work it out. It was 1968, and there wasn't a whole lot out there in the way of assistance for stupid girls who had babies without husbands. To be brutally honest, I was just flat-out afraid I couldn't love the child enough, under the circumstances, to give him or her a fair chance. So, at about 6 months pregnant, I went to the gov't adoption agency, whatever it was called.

The counsellor there gave me holy hell. I later realized that she was digging to see if I was really committed to placing the child, or just flirting with the idea. She went on and on; did I want my child to be raised in foster homes, by people who wouldn't care, etc. I told her that I was adopted myself and that I knew perfectly well that they would have no trouble placing my child in a permanent home.

When my baby was born, I held him and fed him. His father managed to avoid seeing him. I left the hospital without him. The worst part of the whole experience was signing the final papers. I had to go back to the office where the witch had yelled at me in the first place. The same person explained the papers to me, step by dismal step. I know Brian was there with me--he had to have been, because he had to sign, as well, but I don't remember him there, at all. All I really remember is how I cried. Oh, God, how I cried. I have been through hell and back several times since then, but, I have never in all my life, cried like that. I'm crying now, remembering. I have to stop. I'll tell you the rest later.

[vero]

This was back in the day when an adoption was final. I mean, final, as in...well...final. You sign the papers, and you are severed forever from that child. It would never have occurred to me to check up on him, let alone try to see him or get him back. I don't understand the modern philosophy of returning adopted children to their birth parents if they should happen to change their minds. Sorry, peeps. You signed. The adoptive parents have bonded with the child. You can't take the baby back. I'm all in favour of having medical info available, and I think adoptees should have the option of enquiring into their birth parents when they reach adulthood. I don't really approve of "open" adoptions, thinking it's better to make a clean break. For those who can truly make it work, more power to you; I couldn't do it.

[Lana]

This comment really doesn't fit if you are speaking in traditional adoption terms, But I wanted to say that even when one parent is a birth parent things can get sticky. Ryan adopted Spencer after we were married. We had to wait a while after we were married before we were legally able to even start the process. Although it was not an expensive endevour, There were various fees, and of course we had to have in depth council with a social worker from the court. All in all it took a while for my inlaws to accept Spence as their grandson... ( Just lately have they done so ) Adoption of this sort is a difficult process but if it is the right situation it can mean all of the difference to the child's life.

[Lisa]

Can I just say I have two great friends who have two great boys named Spence?

Okay, that said. Vero, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I think the more people are open and honest about adoption, the less stigma gets attached to it.

I personally would not be comfortable with an open adoption but I also know people who do have an open one and it works for them.

Lana and Holly, I think step-child adoption is also a very important gesture for a child. That's making a committment to be part of that child's life forever, which is no different than any other type of adoption.