A Rare Work Related Post, Subtitled, Job Searching Hints

I don't generally post about work since I was outted as a blogger on our local radio station.  I post once in a while on generic things and that's okay.  But I have to share this.  It's just too funny not to.

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, I work for an excavation company.

We lost two of our laborers this late last month when they went back to college.  One goes to Lawrence Tech, which is local, so he still works on Tuesdays (his day with no classes) and Saturdays.  The other went to Central, so he's stuck in a dorm up there and we won't see him til  Thanksgiving, although he emails me jokes and reads my blog.  (NOTE: SCARY PART.  He caught me reading my blog one morning in the office while he was emptying the trash and now he's all hooked.  HI JOE!  STEP AWAY FROM THE KEG, OKAY?)

Anyway.  We've run an ad in the paper for general laborers.  Goes something like this: General Laborer for excavation company wanted.  Experience helpful but not necessary.  Apply at (insert address and phone number here.)  Since we are out in BFE, we've given out a lot of directions and have had quite a parade of applicants come in.

We're not Wall Street.  You don't need to wear your best suit.  Heck, we're happy if you show up in shorts that don't look like you picked them out of the hamper and a decent tee-shirt that doesn't advertise Jack Daniels or a Nascar race from 6 years ago. 

Shaving is nice.  So is not wearing a baseball cap (particularly annoying when worn backwards to conceal the pot leaf embroidered on the front).  Brushing your teeth so I don't smell the beer from last night will always get you a smile from me and the pen that works really well to use to fill out the app.  I'll even let you sit at the empty desk instead of standing at the counter.

There is a part on the application that asks if you have ever been bonded.  The wrong answer would be to ask me or my co-worker and friend Michelle, "Well, my mom actually posted the bond, it wasn't me, should I put that down?"

There is another part of the application that states very clearly, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?  If yes, please explain in detail.  Use another sheet if necessary."  Okay,  WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?  Don't write, "I'll tell you."  Don't write, "Assault."  Don't write, "I think so." 

The same goes for your driver record.  Don't even bother to fudge because with two clicks of my mouse, I have all that information staring me in the face on my computer screen, while I recoil in horror.

Some examples?

Convicted of a felony:

"I was convicted of cocaine.  I been clean three years."  Hello, Dolly. How do you get convicted of cocaine?  Is that like a charge?  What exactly did he do with the cocaine?  Of special note, this is the same one who's mom bonded him out.  I run his record, he's been convicted of trafficking and for selling marijuana.  Three times.  And served time. 

"I'll explain."  Okay, so explain why you have no license yet drove here and earnestly tell Boss the Son you drive all the time. (Our insurer will be thrilled to have him in a service truck, no doubt.)  Then explain the fleeing and eluding charge, the reckless endangerment charge (your son was in the car seat in back while you were pretending you were in a Starsky & Hutch episode) and then explain the three domestic violence convictions that you neglected to mention.  Uh huh.  Buh bye.

I'm not a terribly judgmental person.  Really, I'm not.  I'm all about second chances and third chances in a lot of cases.  Let's face it, I wouldn't have such a terrible track record with men if I didn't have a big heart. 

But please, if you are applying for a job, just make the effort of taking  a shower, putting on your nice jeans or shorts and a clean shirt, don't wear a ball cap or get shitfaced the night before and if you have "issues" in your past, be up front and spill it and tell us, you want a chance and you want to work.

Oh, I forgot the best one.  Convicted of a felony, assault.  Yeah, I checked you out buddy, with your blood shot eyes and heavy gold chain link bracelet and your weird resume.  Assault with intent to murder.  That's a whole other story. That goes beyond a stupid bar fight.  That means you messed someone up good.  Looking a little closer, I find out you have no license (although you too drove yourself) and you are fresh out on parole.  Your college classes on your resume were taken while you were incarcerated, as was your "chef" experience.  I can add and subtract based on your time served.  Which you neglected to point out.  HELLO, ten years in the joint. 

I don't like to have to search for these things when I look for someone to hire.  Tell me, and we can go from there based on second chances but bullshitting, well. 

Buh bye.

It's been an interesting week and I've been a total bitch but I'm real tired of job applicants.

Comments

[dragonlady474]

roflmao... I feel your pain. When I managed apartments you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that they'd put on the applications. I told one person if something didn't pertain to them that they could pult N/A on that part of the App. So what did they do? They put N/A on every friggin line of the application ughh. It looked like an optical illusion.

[Lana]

Here I was this past week just begging people to fill out an app so we could hand them a job, ( We needed just another body to do clean up ) No one bit, We ended up hiring a guy we'd "let go" Poor Ryan he has to share a room with the guy - He said the guy never shuts-the-fuck-up... I have a feeling in the next couple weeks Ryan's ipod is gonna get a workout.

[Colleen]

LMAO. I'll bet that part of the job makes the day interesting! It's kind of creative in it's own way, don't you think? Creative lying and omission?