Neighbors Part I

I live in the country.  I may have mentioned that before.

We have neighbors on one side of us who live in a rental.  I have known the lady who owns it since I was kid and she and her ex-husband built the house since my dad originally owned that property.  She has been plagued with the Crappy Tennants and I feel for her. 

She had the Crazy Dog Ladies.  They were both on disability and had three yappy little kick them dogs, teacup Yorkies.  These dogs, although small enough to fit in a purse, were terribly yappy, very aggressive and more than once, I almost ran over one.  Not to mention that they felt free to vault unto my deck and yap into my sliding glass door.  This particular practice ended abruptly when my now deceased Shar Pei decided he had heard enough yapping, thankyouverymuch, and tried to eat one.  (My Shar Pei was not a dog, he was essentially just a rug that moved once in a while, so the eating of the yippie dog was very uncharacteristic of him.  I was so proud.)

The Crazy Dog Ladies were sisters.  They only lived in the house for one year and during the entire summer they lived there, they had a yard sale all summer long.  We are not talking every week-end during a month, we are talking all summer long.  My coon hound, being the thief that she is, at one point, ran over and snatched a stupid puffy stuffed bunny from a table.  The stupid puffy stuffed bunny was half her size.  This is the same dog who one time ate an entire Chinese take-out dinner in the time it took me to remove my contacts. 

Anyway.  I seem to be rambling and losing focus so bear with me.  This is convoluted.

The Crazy Dog Ladies Who Had Yip pie Yorkies were both nuts.  They were both on SSI for mental reasons and they were also trash pickers.  Their yard was filled with things like discarded hot dog steam tables and six broken riding lawn mowers and the house, oh my God, the house.  My husband was in the house with Mary, the lady who owned it, and there were boxes stacked everywhere with just tiny walking paths scattered throughout.   

They had filled these boxes with things they had bought at garage sales and salvaged from the trash.  The house was also filthy, like they had never cleaned anything in it ever.

You have no idea how many times I ran over a bump in my driveway and thought, "Dear God, I've run over one of the stupid fucking Yorkies from next door."  I hadn't, it was just a big pebble but I was constantly terrified of it.

Exit the Crazy Sister Dog Ladies.

Enter Julie and John, a young couple with a baby that I don't even know what Mary was thinking when she rented to them.  We liked them fine until we found out they were feeding our dogs raw hot dogs, but they were a nice couple but oh so white trashy. Big fights in the front yard, etc. 

NOTE: You have to understand, they are on 2 acres and we are on 5, so it's not like there is total public display until you start throwing down in the front yard.  In the middle of the day.

John lost his job, cheated on Julie, somebody wrote a country song about it and they got evicted.

Enter now Mark, whose parents live in the next house over.  I've known Mark's family since they moved here many years ago.  Mark and his wife and four children moved in and I was so thrilled you see, because when I was in fifth or sixth grade and Mark was a freshman or sophomore in high school, he exposed himself to me. 

They have four children and six vehicles in the driveway.  I might add, the children are all well under driving age.

They called Animal Control on us because our Husky/Malmute/Wolf was wandering through their yard.

Everyone around here has dogs and up til this point, everyone knows everyone else's dogs and didn't have a problem.

The next morning, I had a knock on my door at 7 a.m.  I was alarmed and answered with my toothbrush still stuck in my mouth and lo and behold, it was the asshat dog hating neighbor wife of the genital exposer telling me my coon hound had "bitten" her big fat son.  Yep, he sure did have a mark.  I was so nonplussed at this, China is terrified of strange people and not aggressive at all.  I could just mumble and say, Oh I'm sorry. 

NOTE: NO SKIN WAS BROKEN. 

SECOND NOTE: CHINA IS TERRIFIED OF EVERYTHING.

So, I am really upset by this and spitting toothpaste out of my mouth.  I dwell on this all day at work.

Until Martin, my husband calls me.  He tells me he just saw Big Fat Son poking a stick at the others neighbors dog and throwing rocks at it.

And suddenly, the picture becomes clear and you know, I am only sometimes a vengeful woman but let one of them step onto my grass again, which is a popular shortcut from the bus stop and they will be rearranging the squirrel turds they have dislodged. 

Why are people such jackasses?

I am so tempted to ask Mark the same thing he asked me so many years ago, walking home from the bus stop. 

Namely, "Do you want to see my snake?"

If I had a penis, I would pull it out then, just like he did.  Since I don't, well, I can wish bad things upon him.

Like his kids stepping onto my yard or me calling the township and wondering why there are so many vehicles parked in his driveway that obviously don't run.

Asshats.

Comments

[Darr]

I remember the Crazy Dog Ladies! Endless source of amusing stories. But I am dying to know...Mark who?

ps: I'll answer your email after my doctor's appointment tomorrow, when I can allow myself more bed rest cheating time.

[Michelle]

I am laughing out loud here!!!! And the word "asshat" should be used more frequently...maybe in a spelling bee or something.

[Amy]

So...does the wife know you've seen her husband's penis? I would think her tune would change a little if she knew it.

I dunno....If I was her and I found out my husband had flashed our current neighbor at an earlier age I think I'd lay low out of shear embarassment. but that's just me.