Terri Schiavo And The Right To Live Or Die

I've restrained from talking about Terri.   You see, dear readers, I made the decision to let my mother die.  I don't regret that choice. 

The situation was such:  My mother had COPD and she was on this ferris wheel of health care.  She would get a cold, which would turn into pneumonia which would put her in the hospital which would make her better and move her to the nursing home and then back home and she would get a cold and it would start all over again.  In the meantime, she got weaker and worse.  She eventually couldn't stand or walk.  Although her mind was fine, her body was shutting down and every time, it took her longer to bounce back.

When the time came, when hospice was involved, I had to make that decision.  Hospice, I have issues with them and indeed got the woman I was dealing with fired because she was such a bitch.  Hospice worker Patricia:  "So, you aren't going to quit your job and take care of your mother full time?"  Me: "Uh, is Hospice going to pay my mortgage in the meantime and help me with the breast cancer I have?"

Oh and just for the record?  While my mom was getting busy dying, I was getting busy with Stage II breast cancer, although my mom never knew because I never told her.  She just kept telling me I looked bad, pale, etc.  I blew all of it off and said I was working too much.

So no one makes these life altering decisions in a normal setting.  You are always in some waiting room in some hospital, with Jeopardy or The Price Is Right playing in the background.

My mom was my anchor.  She was my cheerleader and my champion.  And my dad just didn't want to make any sort of decision because rightfully, he was an asshole to her over the course of their marriage.  He was not emotionally capable of it, either.  All of a sudden, he loved her beyond words for putting up with his stupid shit.

It was all up to me.

So my Mom and I talked.  I already knew how she felt.  We'd talked about it before when she was on the brink of death.  She was a tiny lady to begin with.  At this point, she was about 80 some pounds and hugging her felt like hugging a bundle of twigs.

And I asked her, my Mom, whom I loved and revered and was my driving force.  She encouraged every stupid thing I ever wanted to do.  I asked her, "Mom, what do you want me to do? "

And she said...

"It's time.  I have to let it go.  You have to let me go.  I can't be anything to you anymore.  I'm already gone. I'll never be what I used to be and I'm so tired of being sick."

She was in the hospice for about 36 hours.  It was Thanksgiving week-end.  And she died. 

They need to let Terri go.  I don't understand her parents motive of holding on, she will never be what she used to be.  What comfort can there be of holding an empty shell?  I don't understand her husband's motives either.  He has started a new family but he still is fighting for her.

It's a screwed up situation all around but every time I think of Terri, I can only remember my mom.

Comments

[Stacy]

Wow. I can't even imagine having to make that decision.

And this has been going on for so many years for her...

[nicole]

I see patients and their families struggle with these decisions daily, and it is so hard. You are so strong and an awesome woman for doing what you did...You thought about her, and what she wanted. I always tell families, remember, it is about what the patient would have wanted, not what would make them feel better. I have dealt with it personally and profesionally, and it sucks.

[Richard Ames]

Well written Lisa.

[Darr]

I've said it before, but it bears repeating, I am so sorry you had to go through that, all of it. Those few years that everything came flying at you had to be so hard and heartbreaking. I wish we had been in touch then so I could have been there to help you even in some small way, hold your hand, make you dinner, bitch at the hospice lady, whatever.

I'm surprised and sorry to hear that hospice was such a problem for you. That's terrible, and goes against everything they are supposed to stand for. Hospice was a tremendous help to Dad when B was dying, and Dad and L were there full time. They still needed a lot of help, who wouldn't? That Patricia you had to deal with should never have had that job.

My Mom's been talking a lot lately about how she doesn't want to be left in that sort of a state. I keep telling her, she has to get it in writing in order to be sure and avoid any kind of fiasco such as the Schiavo case. There are four of us kids, and often we don't all get along or like each other very much, she can't just tell me and expect it to turn out that way. I do think about having to make these sort of decisions for my parents, as they are now in their 70's. They are in great health, and look much younger, but as B proved, that can change so quickly. And of course there's the issue of having the sort of father that refuses to go to the hospital after being hit by a car! And he has the nerve to call his father a stubborn old man.

[Barbara V.]

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for sharing your love and respect for your mother in this way. It was fortunate that she was able to express her thoughts and feelings to you. It was a blessing that you were there to listen and uphold her wishes. I relate in a very close way to what you have written, as well as to what a world your mother was to you. I'm thinking of you with love and understanding.

[Michelle]

I agree with Richard---very well written in expressing your thoughts and feelings concerning your mother's right to die. I think Darr and Barbara's comments mirror any I would make, and thank them for sharing their thoughts and feelings with the rest of us. I don't think anyone ever truly knows what they would do unless placed in that situation, and you have my utmost respect for dealing with it, respecting your mother's wishes and doing so while facing your own breast cancer crisis. You are my hero. :)