I Heart Office Supplies

I am never happier than when I am browsing Staples online or the new Staples catalog.  It is nothing short of office supply orgasms when I am actually in Staples with the company credit card.

You see, I heart office supplies.  I heart them in a big way.

There are just certain essentials you have to have in an office you are planning on spending a lot of hours in, not to mention multiple years in.

Some of my essentials:

A Great Adding Machine.  I'm pretty quick with the 9 key punch, but it must have paper and it must really print; it must have the red ink for subtractions and it must work without the keys sticking.  Since I work in a very dusty environment (an excavating company), when my beloved adding machine, which I personally own and have dragged to three jobs in 12 years, now gets dirty, I ask the guys in the shop to give it a good blast with the air compressor.  Works like a charm.

Large Paper Clips.  I have no use for the little ones.    And colored.  Happy things get paper clipped with purple, since I like the purple ones best.  Unhappy things get paper clipped with red or bright yellow.  This is a subtle psychological ploy that no one gets but me. 

A Stand Up Stapler.  Mine is a Swingline that is purple with soft grips.  Only one staple per thing you are stapling.  If you need more than one, go find the heavy duty stapler.  I know the heavy duty stapler is heavy duty because when I was trying to find out why it wouldn't staple, I stapled the pad of my left index finger.  Trust me, it is a heavy duty stapler.  I screamed heavy duty profanity to prove this.  Then, I couldn't get anyone I work with to pull the damn staple out of my finger.  I had to go to Urgent Care.  For some stupid reason, I brought the heavy duty stapler with me.  What, as evidence? 

Black Gel Ink Pens in Bold.  Hard to find but perfect for my eccentric handwriting and the passive/aggressive Post-Its I like to leave for Boss the Father and Boss the Son.

Post It Message Pads.  I work for a small company.  We don't have voice mail.  Boss the Father and Boss the Son can barely retrieve the voice mail on their cell phones and that is  full of prompts telling them exactly what to do.  Hence, I write messages in a message pad book.  I found ones that have the Post It feature.  This is a modern miracle.  Also, even though these message books cost more, the manufacturers donate a proceed to breast cancer research for every book you buy.  Bonus.

A Business Card Magnet.  Turned Upside Down On Your Desk To Hold Staples You Pull Out.  You can't throw away the staples you accumulate daily.  Otherwise, what will you have to make sculptures out of while someone is blathering on about on the phone telling you the history of their septic system?

Emergency Snacks and A Bottle Of Wine.  I work out in the boonies.  Sometimes, the weather gets bad enough that Michelle, my office coworker and I, don't want to leave the office to get lunch.  And neither of us is organized enough to bring our lunches every day.  So, we have lunch meat, bread, cheese, condiments and a good supply of snacks in the office.  We could probably live for days.  And we have a bottle of wine shoved in the cupboard as well.  Granted, it's shitty white Zinfandel (Friends Don't Let Friends Drink Pink Wine), but if we ever are stranded there, we'll have it.  (NOTE: This white zin came in a gift basket we got for Christmas two years ago.  I'm sure it's just fabulous by now.)  We never seem to have the emergency supply of chocolate, though.  It always gets eaten right away.

I can take a smoke break whenever I want.

We are so far off the beaten track, you would have to know we are there to find us.  Hence, no unwanted wandering stray salespeople.

I have a great view out my window at work.  I am inspired now and will take a picture on Monday.  We are surrounded at work by the Huron Meadows Metropark and the view is really breathtaking.

Phoo on the View.  I will always heart office supplies.

Comments

[Richard Ames]

I'm the same way about office supplies. Even as a kid I'd love to browse around the "stationary store" (mega office supply stores didn't exist then ... now I feel old) A fresh pack of manila folders was a special thing, and I'd horde them like an old man might horde a box of good cigars. At my office now I like to organize the office supply closet (there, I said it, I feel better it's out in the open). I'm always glad if my secretary says to me, "If your anywhere near a Staples this weekend we need..."

[Stevie]

My heart quickens when I drive up to Office Max or Staples. I could spend a million $$ there. We used to have our own business and when we were setting it up I would go to Office Max, buy everything I could and then have a cigarette in the parking lot. Alpha orgasm!