Yes, Dear Readers, I have finally done some more horrorscopes. How do I come up with the horrorscopes, you ask? Well, I read three or four examples of mainstream horoscopes and then ponder on a satirical interpretation. I struggle with it, too, I tell ya. That's why sometimes months go by without them. But guess what? Lisa the Queen of Fake Horrorscopes is back. Oh, and for the record, I'm a Leo.
Aries. March 21 to April 19
Why are you always so ready to pick a fight? Even when the person you are trying to emotionally mow down with a Sherman tank agrees with you? This can lead to many unsatisfying long nights spent arguing with other people with the same beliefs, generally fellow Aries, usually over the internet. (NOTE: My husband is an Aries. I live this.)
Taurus. April 20 to May 20
Sometimes, dear Taurus, it is better to go softly into that gentle night rather than roaring around like the proverbial bull in the china shop. (NOTE: Two shopworn cliches in the same sentence, is that a record or what?)
Gemini. May 21 to June 21
Your dual nature often leads to a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder, but you find it completely normal to want to settle down, raise a family and do the nine to fiver thing while your other half longs to become a rock star, trash hotel rooms a la Led Zepplin back in the day and have a throng of groupies on call. This is going to be a bad month for you. Stay on the meds.
Cancer. June 22 to July 22
You find it necessary to take tiny crab-like steps before you make even the most simple of decisions and frankly, it's really pissing people off. Such is your intractable nature but hey, you don't get in half the trouble your fellow star signs do, so that's saying something, right?
Leo. July 23 to August 22
Sometimes, you choose relationships for unhealthy reasons, such as the adulation the person bestows upon you, rather than mutual affection. This month, it is time to do some housecleaning in your Rolodex and decide if you want the true relationships or merely the acolytes.
Virgo. August 23 to September 22
People are pissing you off to no end lately and it's making you crazy. This is totally against your easygoing doormat nature. Ride it out. Statistically, there are not many Virgos on Death Row. And that's a good thing, right?
Libra. September 23 to October 23
Only one piece of advice for you this month, dear Libra. Why Be Normal? Hey, give your true self a shot.
Scorpio. October 24 to November 21
Why are you acting like a randy 16 year old in the backseat of a car? You're going to convince your significant other that you really are cheating if you keep overdoing the affection like this. And really, isn't it a bit unseemly at your age to suggest a make-out session behind the local boat launch? Especially if your kids are strapped into car seats in the back with Shreck II playing on the DVD player? Have you no pride at all? Well, don't answer that, after all.
Sagittarius. November 22 to December 21
You can't expect to be negative and disparaging all the time and not expect the people you love to become increasingly suspicious of your original charm. Let them know, really, all you need is some extra hugs and unconditional love this month.
Capricorn. December 22 to January 19
Your malevolent side needs to stay hidden this month. While you grit your teeth and reveal that shit-eating grin that doesn't reach your eyes, remember that if you want to control the world, the first one you need to conquer is your own.
Aquarius. January 20 to February 18
During the past few years, your boundaries between fantasy and reality have become blurred. So much so, that sometimes people around you suspect you have been dipping into the LSD stash hidden in your old college econ textbook. Never fear though, since with all this planetary stuff going on, reality will come crashing down around your ears. Fasten your reality seatbelt.
Pisces. February 19 to March 20
Why are you such a damn flake in your relationships? You married Pisces "forgot" you about that hunk of metal wrapped around your left hand third finger and had a fling with the cute (insert proper description here) and your spouse, being the long-suffering love besotted fool they are, forgave you. Why? Well, because you are a flake. But suddenly, the tables are turned and you, the least jealous of people, is consumed with a burning jealous rage. You figure it out, your love life is far to complicated for the likes of me.
*sniff* Better crablike steps than no steps at all, thankyewverymuch.
Posted by: Stacy | March 31, 2005 at 09:37 PM
So what if I like to argue? Is there a problem with that? I mean, maybe the person that you are talking to needs a good mowing down so they don't conflict with you again. Really, it is all for sport anyway. LOL
Posted by: Bill | April 08, 2005 at 06:16 PM