Leo July 23 to August 22
Your king or queen of the jungle mentality is on full alert this month. It seems as if all the weaker animals are conspiring to overtake your royal perch. You find this disturbing and depressing, as your self-confident swagger and braggadocio has supported many a crises in the past. This month, your main objective is to keep from cowering in the corner sobbing inconsolably, very un-Leo-like behavior. Although you may require many extra self-absorbed pep talks, this too shall pass and you will reclaim your position as head of the hierarchy.
Virgo August 23 to September 22
The career dramas you have recently been enacting are just serving to multiply your insecurities. This is not the month to make any big changes in your job, as it may very well be true that you are unsuited in your chosen career path. On the brighter side, your love life is bound to improve after your poor choices in the past now that you have forgotten to obsess about love, being far too preoccupied with your career.
LibraSeptember 23 to October 23
Everyone is convinced you are a flake. You abhor commitment, responsibility and long term plans or goals. You like to think of yourself as a free spirit, but really, you are a flake. Try this month to make one long term plan and stick with it through the bitter end, even if it something so mundane as to be ordinary to those of us who are not Libras, like making a coffee or drink date two weeks out with a friend.
Scorpio October 24 to November 21
The scorpion, my how it stings! Mostly it stings itself in the butt. Try to avoid that this month. You run around seemingly full of joy and good will, but the bats in the belfry are acting up again, filling your head with dark thoughts of living like a hermit on top of a mountain. This is only good for a short term plan, after all, how will you get along for a lengthy period of time without internet access? Realize your limitations and work with them, not against them.
Sagittarius November 22 to December 21
You're revisiting your issues with sexual fidelity and harmony again. Every time you think you have outgrown that silly urge to flirt with strangers, an attractive unknown person is right there, staring you in the face and you feel helpless to resist. To add chaos to the confusion, suddenly someone who you would never have suspected appears in your life ready to bolster your mushy self-confidence. Unlike Scorpio, this would be a good month for the Sagittarius to head for that mountain with no internet access.
Capricorn December 22 to January 19
You're having those sex feelings again, aren't you? If you are a male crab, put away the Viagra. If you are a female crab, quit wearing those Fuck Me Shoes. Not everyone wants to have sex with you. You just think they do when you have these planetary collusions. Try to focus on your mate but try not to frighten them with your wild new ideas for lovemaking. You've been masturbating a lot this month, haven't you? Never mind, really, I don't want to know!
Aquarius January 20 to February 18
The water scale is just never equally balanced. Your inherent bi-polar-ism is really in the forefront this month. One day, you are eating chocolate truffles and the next day you are planning on a career as a professional athlete. (P.S. Is bowling really a sport?) Just settle down and don't buy those spiffy new red white and blue bowling shoes you've had your eye on. You'll get over this. Have some chocolate while you wait.
Pisces February 19 to march 20
You've grown far too accustomed to leading a life devoid of passion. You wear your loneliness bravely, as you imagine Heathcliffe would, or at least Johnny Depp. Look around and savor the love and passion that is right in front of you. Try not to alienate or piss off that person too much. Gifts help tremendously in this regard.
Aries March 21 to April 19
Everyone thinks you don't remember all those heartbreaks, that you easily segue into the next chapter of your life without a thought of the past. Only you know this is not the case, that you have still never forgotten that slight in the 7th grade when you were called Puddin Head. Don't use this month to revenge those slights as you are the only one who has brooded over them this long and frankly, no one cares anymore. Also, stalking is against the law.
Taurus April 20 to May 20
Why are you broke again this month? Fiscal responsibility is just a rumor to Taureans, they think it's some sort of myth, like the Tooth Fairy, or something other people do that they are somehow exempt from. The IRS doesn't care what sign you are. It's probably too late to declare yourself the head of a church, as well. Buckle down and make a budget and make a bullheaded attempt to stick with it.
Gemini May 21 to June 21
Your social life has sucked lately. Long term friendships have been strained, love interests have been decidedly uninterested lately and both your twin heads are spinning. On the up side of things, you look marvelous, dahlink.
Cancer June 22 to July 22
You're feeling very Henry David Thoreau this month, as if you need to commune with nature and get back to the basics of your very being. Your philosophical side is rearing it's ugly head yet again, making you doubt such basic tenets as the importance of consumerism, recycling and Reganomics. Go to the mall, you'll feel better.
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