Reunion Is Getting Near

I still can't believe I will be 38 this summer. Twenty year high school reunion still is foremost in my mind. It does not help that I am constantly emailing with two friends that I graduated with and we are all imagining best case scenario.

I'm dubious, at best. I am obsessing over what I look like, what I have done with my life (or not), the fact that I live again where I grew up and graduated from.

I did not like high school. If you've seen the movie Welcome to The Dollhouse, well, that is how I feel about high school. I was always the one who didn't fit in, I always knew I was much cooler than everyone I went to school with. However, I would have liked to have been acknowledged. I was just "too different" and in high school, different is bad. I did have some friends in high school and I have reconnected with others that I am happy to say I share sensibilities with.

I am a bundle of nerves regarding this reunion. My main goal is to look really great. That is as far as I can think so far. I am such a non fashionista, though, I fear I will look turn out looking like Paris Hilton without the blonde hair extensions. i.e. just slutty if I try to look hot.

It's not that I'm unaware of fashion, it's just that it doesn't apply to me anymore. I wear shorts and t-shirts and Birkenstocks or work boots to work. At least in summer. In colder months, substitute sweatshirt or sweater and jeans. I'm out of the fashion loop.

At the ten year reunion, some of the females were dressed as if they were going to the prom in 1984. Lots of sequins and big hair. I wore a plain black dress.

Am I tan enough? Am I too tan? Too skinny? I don't try. Bulimics would love me. I am just blessed with high metabolism. Nothing greater, nothing less. Wish I had boobs. Wish I had better hair.

I very rarely obsess about my looks. I don't think I am unattractive, don't think I am pretty. I think I am "interesting" and will be a handsome older lady. Why I am so stressed over this?

I think it is because I feel like I still won't measure up, since high school seems to have been based largely in looks.