I am not a big believer in astology. My sister is big on the metaphysical stuff. We were supposed to meet up at Liltih Fair a few years back. She claims she can "feel my being" and know I am near. She said she would find me at Lilith Fair, which was at a HUGE outdoor venue, what used to be called Pine Knob. My response? "What's Plan B?"
These are just offered as amusement. Mainly to me.
Gemini May 21 to June 21
Owing to your dual personality, you have struggled mightily with a heart-wrenching decision. Frankly, the rest of us in your world are weary of listening to your angst. Either go listen to some old Smiths cassettes or just wax that unsightly hair, wherever it is. You won't be sorry.
Cancer June 22 to July 22
How much of that money you send to Feed the Children do you really think is trickling down to the kids that need it? It's okay to be empathic, but charity starts at home. Quit hugging the tree in the Amazon and do something at home.
Leo July 23 to August 22
Much as you want to believe that the world does revolve around you, you are wrong. Step away from the mirror and actually interact with someone other than yourself in a meaningful way. This doesn't mean having sex with acquaintances, either.
Virgo August 23 to September 22
Okay, so your love life has been a mess for quite a few years. We expect this of a Virgo. It you really want to improve your chances, quit picking the most unsuitable person you can find for a relationship. If you are thinking, "Oh my God, my mom and dad will be absolutely HORRIFIED if I bring (insert proper pronoun here) home!" and if you are thinking that with absolute unbridled glee, you need to rethink your choice of partners and why you are picking them. Therapy can help.
Libra September 23 to October 23
"Nobody loves me/Everyboy hates me/I'm out in the garden/Eating worms." A Libra wrote this. We don't hate you. We are just exhausted with your self-pitying ways. Get out of bed, put away Mr. Ted E. Bear along with your special "blankey". Go live a life. Your mom is not going to make you cookies and wash your dirty socks and underwear forever.
Scorpio October 24 to November 21
Although you personally are convinced you are scintillating funny, erudite and a great wit, everyone else just thinks you are ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. Try being nice instead of sarcastic. You might be surprised; people might ask you back.
Sagittarius November 22 to December 21
You make Monica on "Friends" look mellow in the control department. Perfectionists generally don't have a lot of fun. Leave Mr. Stress Monster in your too-well-organized closet for a month. Be wild and crazy; throw your gum wrapper out the car window. Just throw the towel over the rack, don't fold it first. OMG, FLY! BE FREE!
Capricorn December 22 to January 19
Your indecision is driving everyone else crazy. Why can't you just make a plan and go with it? Spending 25 minutes pondering the advantages of the various combo meals available at McDonald's drive thru is rather counterproductive, don't you think?
Aquarius January 20 to February 18
Lord knows your job is thankless and unrewarding. You've told us long enough. But, being the Aquarian you are, you just can't make a life change unless you think about it til your'e too old to care. For your own sake, get off your ass and do something! It will open a door for you, trust me.
Pisces February 19 to March 20
While your tenacious drive and single mindedness is often rewarding (people just get too frustrated arguing with you and give in to your senseless demands), it is often a hinderance for you. For the first time in your life, let someone else make the final decision. Revel in the liberation you feel. Try not to gloat or be obnoixious about it, too.
Aries March 21 to April 19
You need to hook up with a Leo so no one will feel left out of the self-worshipping thing. Really, get over yourself. This will come as a horrible shock to you, but you are not always right. Quit fuming and accept it.
Taurus April 20 to May 20
While you find it exhilarating to run naked in the woods behind your house, your neighbors are becoming alarmed at the sight of you butt naked with high top Converse sneakers on. Not good for running are the Chuck Taylor's. Reign in your free spirit at least to the point where you don't end up with a public nudity arrest that lands in the local paper.
Comments