The Lisa Life

First Gift!

I just got my first 40th birthday gift.  And really, I don't expect any.

It's from my wonderful friend Michelle, my fellow Spartan fan and true crime buff.

MUAAA, Shell, you are wonderful, have fun on vacation and raise a glass with Joe on the 29th and think of me.

She sent me a t-shirt that says OVER THE HILL U 40th.  A tape of 24 Tunes For Celebrating 40 which I totally love, all the great 80s stuff.  And a book, Every Woman's Nightmare, about the Lori Hacking murder.

Death Hags, UNITE.

Now, I'm going to put the tape on so I can drown out the really abysmal neighborhood garage band who is practicing Bad Company's Good Loving Gone Bad over and over ad nauseum.  Guys, hey, it ain't working out, okay?

The Final Countdown

Isn't that like a cheesy hair band 80's song?

In a week, I will be 40.

(Thank you, darling for that Grey Goose martini and the smelling salts, you're a sweetie. Kiss, kiss.)

The party looms.  Everyone seems to be freaking out with the planning but me.  First of all, it's at my in-laws, so I don't have to hide the porn, the paraphernalia and the drugs.  (JOKE, COP FRIENDS!  JOKE!) Nor do I have to clean the house up after.  Menu:  was going to be deli tray but I was coerced into making lasagna because you know, nothing quite says, "Happy Birthday, Lisa!"  than having to cook your own birthday dinner and lasagna is so nice and light for the end of July.  And yes, for all you no meat people, there will be meatless but not vegan because really, how can you make lasagna without cheese? 

I am happy to know that Ellen, Darr, Tammy, Holly, my Sis and Janey, and Mike and Paul, and Tom and Kelly and Kim and hopefully Eric and my Misfit friends and Beth and others will be there.  I am sorry that Sarah and Anne and Monica and Michelle A. and my co-worker Andrew won't be.  I am especially sorry that Sam won't be there.  Sam always gave me the cutest presents.  One year, he got me some really good chocolate and wrapped it in the funny papers.  I nibbled on it for the longest time.  It was a little bit of love for about 2 months.

I don't want, presents, either. 

Another note: if you need directions, call or email us because this whole side of town is under construction.  Do not, under any circumstances, trust Mapquest.

Still don't know what I'm going to wear and I'm accepting suggestions. 

What?! Another Meme?

We all know I hate memes and avoid them like STDs, beer and already worn socks.  However, I thought this one, shamelessly lifted from Annie was different and kind of cute.

So, here we go.  Leave your responses in the comments, kids.

1) Who are you?

2) Are we friends?

3) When and how did we meet?

4) Did or do you have a crush on me?

5) Would you kiss me?

6) Describe me in one word.

7) What is your first impression of me?

8) Do you still think that now?

9) What reminds you of me?

10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?

11) How well do you know me?

12) When was the last time you saw me?

13) Have you ever wanted to tell me something and felt that you couldn't?

14) Are you going to put this on your blog or journal or in an email to see what I say?

Oh and by the way?  Yeah it does take a lot of work to be this self-centered.

You Know Your Outfit Isn't Working Out When...

You know your outfit isn't working out when one of your co-workers, who is not exactly Mr. GQ himself, asks you when you decided to become a Mennonite.

I Hate Memes

I hate memes.  I don't generally participate.  I ignore them, like they have never passed through my email or blog.  However, I am making an exception only because my husband asked me really nicely.

Accent:  I'm Midwest born and bred and raised, I don't have an accent, thankyouverymuch.  The years I spent living in PA, I did develop a bit of an East Coast/Jersey accent thing.  I can turn this on at will and I can also do an Okie or southern accent very well.


Booze: Chardonnay, the oakier the better.  Martinis and greyhounds in moderation.


Chore I hate: Housework in general, mopping and cleaning the toilet specifically.


Dogs or Cats: Dogs. 


Essential electronics:  Computer,  stereo/radio, big screen TV

Favorite cologne: Clinique Aromatic Elixir (worn it for decades), Inner Realm,  Chanel Coco and Mademoiselle

Gold or Silver:  Both.  Love the warmth of gold, love the purity of silver. 

Hometown:  Howell, Michigan, home of the Melon Fest, BABY


Insomnia:  Oh yeah.  Ambien is my long time friend and constant companion.


Job title: Bookkeeper


Kids: Son, 13, daughter almost 3

Living arrangements: husband, daughter, dog and son on alternate week-ends

Most admirable traits:  Humor and perseverance.  I'm a survivor and I can joke about it.


Not going to cop to:  Anything.

Overnight hospital stays: Kept in the hospital for a week after my birth for an irregular heartbeat; twice overnight stays as a child for high fever, three times for toncillitis before my fever actually went down enough to take the tonsils out; twice for car accidents overnight,  once for a car accident that I almost bled to death and was MedFlighted although I was never admitted (gotta love the insurance thing) and overnight for childbirth. 

Phobias: Insects, driving or being a passenger on the freeway.


Quote: "You can never be too rich or too thin."  The Dutchess of Windsor.  Amended to add OR TOO TAN.


Religion: Lasped Epsicopalian.  Raised Catholic until age 10 or so.  I have a strong inner spirituality but I don't go to church.


Siblings:  Adopted.  Half brother and half sister.


Time I wake up:  Whenever I get sick of hearing the alarm go off.  I hate getting my ass out of bed.

Unusual talent or skill: Fount of useless trivia.  I can tell you what year the Beatles first played in Hamburg, Germany, but couldn't tell you where my car keys are at any given moment.  I also have a big true crime affection and can tell you all sorts of details and facts about crimes and trust me, I've read the book, probably twice.


Vegetable I love:  Green beans.  Salads of any sort, particularly if they involve gorganzola cheese.

Worst habit:   Procrastination.


X-rays:   LOTS.


Yummy foods I make:  Anything I cook.  I'm an excellent cook.

Zodiac sign:   Leo.  What a mystery that is.

Keeping Age At Bay

As I have mentioned, my hairdresser is also a good friend of mine.  She is also all about beauty and takes every seminar she can to keep up with the latest trends.   And she's good.

The latest seminar she attended was about what can keep a client looking as young as possible yet still age appropriate.

Since she is in her mid-twenties and I am pushing 40, she was eager to experiment.  And damn if I didn't come out pretty well.

The most important element is to think soft.  Soft sheer natural colors.  My hair, which I have colored since Moses was in short pants, is now two shades lighter than my natural color and it not only hides the gray, it also looks softer overall.  Rule of thumb?  The more grey you have, the lighter you go without leaving your natural color group.  So a brunette ends up with a light brown.  Going darker ages you, going lighter is more subtle and flattering to your skin tone.

For makeup, think sheer and light.  If you wear black or dark brown eyeliner, toss it and go for a medium brown unless you have darker skin tones. I stopped using black eyeliner ten years ago because just thinking about it made me look ten years older.  Never wear colored eyeliner, like blue or green.  It overwhelms your natural eye color.  Always powder your upper and lower lids before you line to set the liner, then go over it with eye shadow in the same color.  It will make your eyeliner last much longer without feathering.  Oh, and Maybelline eyeliner is highly recommended by the pros, just melt it a few seconds first with a lighter.  (NOTE:  Let it cool a few seconds before applying it, or OUCH.)  Always wear eyeshadow, even if you normally don't.  It will bring out your natural eye color.  Colors to go for are neutral and subtle, such as pale rose, pink, light mauve or a sheer lavender.  The idea is your eyeshadow isn't supposed to compete with your eyes.  If you want to rev it up for evening, plums and browns look good on almost everyone.

Foundation.  Very important stuff.  The new water based foundations are wonderful.  Laura used one on me that was like $50 a tube but she told me to get the new Maybelline New York Pure formula, which is water based and it works great, if it does make me a bit shiny.  Since it's water based, it's ultra light and blends perfectly and doesn't cake.  To combat the shininess, a Clean And Clear tissue works wonders.  And the Clean And Clear Under Eye Brightener, can't live without it.

Laura did approve my everyday lipstick, which is Clinique Bamboo Pink.  A bit of gloss with not a lot of out at ya color is the thing.  She did make me toss my beloved Clinique Blue Moss that I wore at night, and yes, it did make me look old. 

Always wear some blush, applied with a gentle touch.  Again, a natural tone that blends with your skin.  I wear a Physician's Formula sheer berry color and it gives me a touch of extra color.

Natural is the goal, not looking made up.  Lighter makeup, not more.

Another important thing?  Wash your face and use a good toner and moisturizer.  Splash your face with cold water when you are done.

The little tips she gave me have really made a world of difference to me.  I think I look much more natural.

We won't even go into the lecture on tanning but she did grudgingly admit I don't have sun damage. 

That Mediterranean blood, I'm telling you.

On Turning 40

Dear and gentle readers, remember how obsessed I was about my 20th high school reunion?  Fasten your seat belts, because my latest obsession is turning 40.

On Tuesday, the first of the Triplets Of Doom, Sarah, will turn 40.  Happy birthday, Mrs. Robinson! (NOTE: She really is Mrs. Robinson, something I find hilarious.  Mr. Robinson is quite the hottie, you go girl!)

A bit of background on the Triplets Of Doom.  Darr and Sarah and I were friends in high school and are still friends.  In fact, I consider them two of my closest and mostest.  We all wear a lot of black, are sarcastic and bitchy together (but never about each other) and all of us have had children as "older" moms.  In fact, first came Mia when I was 38, then came Darr's adorable boy then came Sarah's cute boy.  We make jokes about being the parents at high school graduation hanging on walkers, glasses on chains around our necks, Kleenex stuffed up our sleeves, wearing the high heeled orthopedic shoes.  Our walkers will have little knobs on the front we can hang our cute designer handbags on, because we're just like that.

I'm vain, okay?  I don't think I am classically beautiful or anything, but I do think I look damn good for pushing 40. Darr and Sarah look fabulous. 

I know I am supposed to be despairing and freaked out by turning 40.  I know I'm supposed to hedge on my age and be coy and mysterious but I'm not.  I'm rather proud.  I also know it is a total fluke, a gift from God.  I've abused myself in so many ways.  Too much partying, too many cigarettes, too much sun.  I couldn't follow a diet even if my health was compromised.  I'm lazy about exercise to the point of driving to the mailbox. 

I am disgustingly happy when someone remarks that there is no way I could be 40.  One of my co-workers, when I mentioned, hey I'm turning 40 this summer, quickly said, "NO WAY."  Getting my nails done this week, I mentioned turning 40 and Mimi, the lady doing my nails, said, "You not turning 40 you too young.  Good skin.  Skinny, too."

Sometimes, I worry that I try too hard.  That I dress younger than I should.  I hope that if that is the case, someone would tell me.  I always think it's pathetic when older women try to dress like they are twenty and it doesn't come off and I wonder if people look at me the same way.  I like wearing funky jeans and high heeled boots, though.  I like my unfashionably short spiky haircut, even if my sister claims it's the ultimate dyke haircut.  (Note:  She would know, having the same haircut herself and being gay.)

When I was in my twenties, forty seemed ancient to me.  Now, it's something I turn over in my mind and examine and I don't find it horrifying or old. 

After all, I still love to hear the Violent Femmes and still know all the words ("Just last night I was reminded of just how bad/It had gotten/Just how sick I have become/it could change/with this relationship/DDT range/we've all been through some shit").

I might even dance in that new wave 80s sort of way if you ask me nicely.  The Doc Martens still fit, you know.

Size....Four?

Since I now have to wear big girl clothes to work, no more jeans and sweatshirts and work boots, I've been slowly adding to my wardrobe of work clothes.  I donated a lot of them when I worked at my last job since I wasn't wearing them, they were taking up a lot of space and I was sick of looking at most of them.

As a side note, this is very fun for me, I don't mind looking like I have a real job at all. 

Yesterday, I went to Marshalls.  My goal?  A pair of tan slacks.  No such luck but I did find some awfully cute leopard print Liz Claiborne mules (seven dollars, thankyouverymuch) and a pair of chocolate brown slacks that I thought would look smashing with a particular black sweater I have.  I didn't try on the pants, just grabbed the size eight and headed for the checkout.

I am five feet nine and almost a half.  I weigh about 105 (yeah yeah yeah, I know, too skinny, it's not deliberate, I eat like a horse, it's called the Incredible Fucked Up Metabolism And Stress Diet) so I wear a size eight.  I do have a butt and womanly hips.

When I tried on these slacks at home, the waistband slid down to my hips. 

I took them back today to exchange them for a size six.  No size six on the rack (one of the problems with Marshalls) so I took a size four to the dressing room, not really hoping for much.  Size four?  I wore a size four in like eighth grade.

The size four fits me perfectly.  They look tailor made.  (NOTE:  Linda Allared for Ellen Tracy slacks.  $102 at Saks or Nordstrom, $16.99 at Marshalls.  Yeah, they are last season's but who the hell cares?)

I am so not a size four.  The jeans I had on, which were Old Navy, were an 8.  They fit fine.  Most of my other slacks and jeans are also a size 8.  I do take an 8 long in Levi's and Eddie Bauer pants.

I'm totally convinced that clothing manufacturers are sizing clothes smaller so women get the thrill of saying. "Look! I bought a size six!" 

The Vision Of Scarves Yet To Be Knitted

I am in love with this scarf.  Perfect for the little death hag that I am.  Sadly, my knitting skills are very rudimentary and I don't know if I could tackle this, especially with the felting.  What the hell is felting?  I had to read up on that.  Neat concept.

So, if any of my dear and faithful readers have higher level knitting skills, please feel free to make me a Christmas present!

http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall05/PATTyorick.html

Guilty Pleasure

   One of my guilty pleasures.  I love these things.  They have to be the Blue Diamond brand, though.  Between last night and tonight, I have now eaten a small can (6 ounces.)

Martha Stewart

I have to admit I am not a Martha Stewart fan. Never have been. The only made-for-tv movie I've watched in probably the last 10 years was the one about her. It was hilarious in a campy, tongue-in-cheek sort of way. Definitely not flattering to Martha.

In my attempts at domestic goddessdom, I have tried some of Martha's recipes. Expensive and time-consuming and the finished product isn't always all that hot either. My friend Darr tried a dessert recipe that was a disaster. Both of us, I might add, are fairly experienced cooks who do not shy from difficult food preparation.

I have tried some Martha products. I am a big candle fan. Martha has cranberry orange scented candles that are a deep red. I loved the scent and like red, so I bought about $20 worth of them. This was a lot of candles, since they were on sale at the time.

They sucked. They burned completely unevenly, did not emit any scent while burning and didn't last very long.

I tried Martha's towels. They were not cheap. I got navy blue to match my bathroom (well duh) and they pilled up after one washing and also left little navy blue fuzzies throughout the bathroom. These are now designated dog towels.

I tried Martha's sheets. Also not cheap. Ditto on the pilling, even though the thread count was high.

I have no sympathy for Martha. Her arrogance is staggering in that she still will not admit any wrongdoing. I think her sentence is unnervingly light. Thirty grand and five months?

Let's remember what Martha did. She lied to a federal grand jury.

Are Hilary Clinton and Martha Stewart friends? I really dislike Hilary too. She gives all working women a bad name.

Fashion Faux Pas

I am a big fan of clearance racks. I've gotten some great deals. I had to go to Target (pronounce "TAR jay") the other day (Like you ever have to go to Target). Our Target is undergoing massive renovation from the parking lot to the dressing rooms, and it's a real hassle to get in and out. As a result, they have lots of great deals.

Mia and I went to Target and roamed first the bathing suits for me. I like Target bathing suits because I invariably trash my bathing suits tanning and they sell the tops and bottoms separate, they are reasonably priced and generally pretty attractive. No luck on bathing suits this time, good Lord, why is dirt brown popular right now? Who could that color possibly compliment?

Some of my finds:

Target licensed Osh Kosh dresses for Mia: $4.99, bought two
Target licensed Osh Kosh denim shorts for Mia: 98 cents (WHOOOHOO)
Cute peasant style t-shirt for Mia: $1.99
Cropped White Linen drawstring pants for me
Pair of knee length cargo shorts with extra pockets, Velcro, drawstrings and totally useless snaps on the legs for Martin

Here's the fashion faux pas. I have a great pair of black cropped linen pants from Geoffrey Beane that are lined and just hang so nicely and look so "casually elegant". (Shopping note: Geoffrey Beane lined linen pants, $16.99 at the Beane outlet.) When I saw that Target had cropped linen pants on sale for $10 I was giddy. I wanted to buy both a white pair and a putty pair, but they only had the white in my size.

The next morning, I was feeling so tanned and chic in my cropped white linen drawstring pants and my black silk sweater with the beading and my black beaded suede sandals.

In my normal morning madness in getting all my crap together and getting Mia ready, I prepare my favorite travel tea cup (there's an entry on here about that, as well.) I managed to slop tea all over my new chic ten buck pants. Time for ensemble Number 2 of the day.

I sent them to my mother-in-law but even the Dark Mistress of Cleaning and Laundry can't get the tea out of white linen. So I resign myself that they will be a new pair of "at home lounge pants." I put them on with a nice comfortable t shirt and proceed to the great room to tell Martin my pants adventure.

He looks at me and starts laughing and says, "Lis, I see can right through those." I innocently ask, "What, you can see my pantylines? I have on white panties." And Martin says, "No Lise, I can see your underpants perfectly and your legs. Those pants are completely transparent." Said while he is snickering and snorting Diet Pepsi through his nose.

Thank God I did not wear those pants to work.

Its All About the Products

I am not a huge fan of drugstore cosmetics. I got hooked on the department store brands while working at Macy's in college, where I did a stint as a Clinique counter girl.

That said, I have found a great drugstore lipstick. After hearing it advertised on the radio for a few months, I finally bought some CoverGirl Outlast lipstick. Purported to be all day lip cover.

It's a two part application. First you apply a thin coat of the actual lip color. After that dries, you apply the topcoat, which is clear. And voilà, you have perfect lipstick for the better part of the day.

Pros and Cons

The first color I bought, metallic lilac, was much lighter applied than it looked. While it is a nice shade, it doesn't go with my coloring very well at all. In fact, I look like I should be wearing bright blue eyeshadow and platform wedgies, heading out to the disco, possibly wearing Charlie perfume.

My next go at a shade was much better. Merlot, a darker reddish/mauvish/purplish shade.

It does last a long time with frequent reapplications of the topcoat and doesn't come off on glasses, food, napkins or the like. And if you should happen to get some on your teeth, it doesn't come off those easily, either. In fact, the only way to effectively remove it is with liberal applications of baby oil or Vaseline. On the plus side, it is not drying as many long wearing lipsticks I've tried have been.

I found it at Wal-Greens for $10.99 and Target for $7.98. Not a bad bargain considering the favorite formula of Clinque lipstick I generally use is $12.

Mia

Here is my totally adorable daughter Mia on her first birthday. Could she be a little cuter?

I can take none of the credit for Mia's looks. She is adopted. But she knocks me out, she is just so cute.

Skin Care

I think my skin looks pretty good considering I am 37 and a long time sun worshipper. The best skin care advice I could give? Drink lots of water, I do mean LOTS and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.

Some favorite products:

Clinique Naturally Glossy Mascara. Goes on without clumping, doesn't flake off or smear. You can go from a light natural look to the pumped up Liz Taylor lashes. Removes easily with Clinique's Rinse-Off Eye Makeup Solvent. About 80% cry proof.

Clinique All About Eyes. Helps reduce the puffiness and undereye circles. A little dab goes a long way and a small jar lasts me about six months.

Oil of Olay Daily Facial Cloths. A wonderful invention. They take off makeup effectively and also moisturize yet have just a bit of exfoiliation. So much cleaner than washclothes and not as puckering as soap.

Palmer's Shea Butter Formula Lotion. I must admit, I am a lotion whore. I've tried every brand under the sun from cheap cheap cheap to very expensive. I've found the Palmer's Shea Butter Formula a bargain at $7.99 at any drugstore. It has a light pleasant scent that won't overpower your perfume and is thick and creamy and absorbs quickly without being heavy or greasy. It also won't bleed out your tan, like many lotions do. Ones I avoid: Any Bath & Body Works lotions, Nivea (feel like I got dipped in wax) and Arbonne Almond Lotion (you smell like a cookie).

My favorite lipstick is Clinique Bamboo Pink. A bit of gloss to it, stays fresh a long time yet you don't have to scrub it off. The color goes with just about everything and looks great with a tan.

My signature scent is Clinique Aromatic Elixir. I've worn it for years and haven't come across many other women who do. I have a difficult time with perfumes, something in my body chemistry makes many smell just awful or leave no scent at all on me. Anything very floral or sweet completely disagrees with me. I also like Chanel Coco and Coco Mademoiselle and wear them occasionally.

Body Wash. I am also a body wash whore. I've found anything with a lot of scent does nothing but dry me out terribly. The basic Dove All Day Moisture forumla has a soft clean scent and really does keep your skin from feeling like you just took a shower in the Sahara.