An Open Letter To Boomer The Dog

Dear Boomer,

Yes, we know you are cute. You are adorable with your curly black coat and those lovely eyes.  Your degree of adorableness does not entitle you, however.  It is time we got a few things straight.

1.  Bennie, our other dog, is not around solely for your amusement. He is not a chew toy.  His once fluffy proud tail is now tatty from your ministrations.  When he gets tired of you chasing him and snaps at you, take him seriously.  He tried to eat you when you were but a pup and didn't but that doesn't mean he has stopped thinking of you as a snack he is saving for later.

2. Mia generously donated her stuffed Clifford dog to you.  Clifford is not a sex toy, so quit humping him for the love of God. 

3. You are a dog, not a cat.  It is not necessary to lie in the bay window like a cat would and stare at the street and then find your dogginess and  bark at everything.  The garbage truck is not a threat.  It is okay for those men to handle that big boxy thing.  They always put it back.  Ditto on the school bus.  It always brings Mia back.

4. Your vocal exercises.  You bark at everything and nothing and howl at the television, namely during the theme song to M*A*S*H* and an anti-drug commercial.  You bark while I am on the phone.  You bark when I make dinner.  You bark at the bathroom door when I am inside.  You do not need to do all this barking to make your presence known.  I always know  where you are because I am constantly tripping over you.

5. It is okay when one of us leaves the house.  Really.  There is no need to run frantically from room to room, whining and trembling with fear.  As much as we might like to run away once in a while, we always come back.  Likewise, it is not mandatory that you bounce like you are spring loaded when we return.  We know you are happy to see us.  A simple tail wag would suffice.

6.  Stop chewing on my hair when I sleep.  Waking up with bed head covered in dog drool is not going to make me any more of a morning person.

7. The rungs of the dining room chairs are not treats.  Quit chewing on them.  I can't imagine gnawed wood feels real nice coming out the other side, anyway.

8.  Candles may smell pretty, but they are not food.  Quit eating them.

9. Stay off the kitchen counters.  I was really pissed when you ate the entire cake I had just made.  It was a lemon cake, my favorite, and I didn't even get a slice. 

10.  If something is in the sink, it is not there for you to eat it because it smells like food. How'd that spatula work out for you, anyway?  Mmmmm, plastic!

11.  When I am loading the dishwasher, you do not need to lick the plates.  They have already been rinsed, but thank you for your concern.

12. When I step into that strange funny box that pours down water, it's okay.  I'm doing it on purpose.  You do not need to bang the door with your paw and cry and them empty the trash in the bathroom.  Likewise, it is not necessary to lick my damp legs when I exit the strange funny box that pours down water.  I prefer moisturizer to dog saliva.

So Boomer, if you could just abide by these simple guidelines, we'll get along fine. 

Love,

Your Human

Comments

[ronni]

Cats don't do that.

[nursenicole]

this is soooo funny! i love it!

[Judy Miller]

I think I may have Boomer's mother taking up residence in my home. Tootz does many of the same things--I especially hate the "going through the wastebasket" thingie==leaving dog spit laden tissues, etc, for me to pick up and return to said basket. Barking at the mail lady's truck every day at 11:30 also is annoying. Tootz belongs to the man who took up residence in my once quiet home two years ago. My Red Eared Slider Turtle is so much quieter--she only swims along in her tank when I pass by.

[Martin]

That's our Boomer. He's also convinced he's a lap dog. A 40lb lap dog. On the other hand he's been very trainable, he can fetch, sit, shake, speak, lie down, all the usual dog tricks. In contrast Benny can sit, end of story. So yeah Boom-boom (his nickname that he also comes to)is a bit hyper and annoying he is also a total character and fun to be around and yes he is a very pretty little dog.

- M

[Nadine]

Our dog will sit if she's tired. All I have to do is wait, and yell "SIT" at the right moment and it looks like she's doing it 'cause I said so. Otherwise she just looks at me like, "WHF?" and walks off.

[Beth]

Hey, that was a CAT house, maybe Boomer is Tabby brought back from cat heaven???!!!!